8 Lessons on Showing Love (From the Book “The Five Love Languages”)

Each of us is unique, with our own personalities, preferences, and ways of expressing ourselves. Dr. Gary Chapman introduces the concept that people show and experience love differently in his book, The Five Love Languages. He points out that everyone has a specific “love language” through which they feel loved and connected with others.

To create stronger and healthier relationships, we must recognize and understand the love languages of the people we care about. Have you figured out what your primary love language is? How about your partner’s?

Here are 8 key lessons from Dr. Chapman’s insightful book that can help us better navigate love and relationships. 

1. Words of Affirmation (Love Language #1)

People whose primary love language is “words of affirmation” express and feel love through spoken words. They must hear and say “I love you” to feel truly loved. For these individuals, hearing words of love and appreciation is essential.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in our busy lives that we forget how powerful a few simple compliments can be. Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment,” which shows how much words can lift our spirits.

Compliments that come from the heart have incredible power. When we share kind words and appreciation, it not only makes us feel good but also brightens someone else’s day. Just saying things like, “I appreciate you for doing this” or “You look great” can make a difference. If your partner or someone you care about values “words of affirmation,” expressing your feelings through words of encouragement and love is essential.

2. Spend Quality Time (Love Language #2)

Spending quality time with someone goes beyond just being in the same place. It means focusing our attention entirely on that person. For example, you’re not genuinely spending quality time together if you’re busy on your smartphone while your friend is talking.

In today’s world, we often multitask, leading to hours spent together but only a few moments of genuine connection. Focused conversations are crucial for healthy relationships and involve actively listening. When we listen more than we speak, we strengthen our bonds with loved ones, allowing us to understand their hopes and fears.

For someone whose love language is “quality time,” it’s essential to show that you care by dedicating your attention to them and engaging in activities together. They will value shared moments, like holidays or anniversaries. Learning to communicate in the “quality time” language can enhance our relationships with friends and family.

3. Giving or Receiving Gifts (Love Language #3)

The love language of “giving and receiving gifts” is often misunderstood as being materialistic. For those who connect with this love language, gifts represent affection but don’t always have to be store-bought. A gift can be something handmade, something found, or even something we already own.

In the past, courting often involved meaningful gestures, like a man picking flowers for a woman on his way to visit her. This simple act perfectly illustrates the essence of giving gifts to express love.

A great example is the story “The Gift of the Magi.” It’s about a couple who, despite being broke on Christmas, makes incredible sacrifices to give each other meaningful gifts. The story has an unexpected twist beautifully captures the spirit of love through giving.

Ultimately, we should focus on gifts as emotional expressions rather than material objects. When we give gifts, it should come from the heart.

4. Acts of Service (Love Language #4)

The “acts of service” love language involves showing kindness and affection through helpful actions. These acts could mean doing chores or tasks for someone to support them. For people who resonate with this love language, receiving help is a meaningful expression of care and respect.

Even small gestures can make a significant impact. For example, helping someone with routine tasks can comfort them and show them they are valued. Learning to express affection through acts of service can strengthen our connections and foster a sense of community. When we perform “acts of service” to help our loved ones, we support them and make them feel loved and accepted.

5. Physical Touch (Love Language #5)

When we hold or touch someone, it’s a way to show affection and provide comfort. The need for physical touch is a powerful example of love and is essential for survival. In the 1940s, Dr. Rene Spitz was puzzled by the deaths of babies under his care, even though they received proper nutrition and were in a clean environment. These cases were later observed in orphanages, where babies appeared to die for no apparent reason. In the works of Harry Harlow (see monkey studies), and after extensive research, it became evident that these babies suffered from a lack of touch. Without physical contact, they could not thrive and eventually died.

The “need for physical touch” is a very human communication. People who express love through this language need physical touch to feel cared for and loved. This way doesn’t have to be sexual; it can be as simple as a hug or a kiss.

Physical touch is often an unmatched way to communicate emotions. For those who resonate with this love language, the absence of physical touch can damage a relationship. A small gesture, like a pat on the back or a touch on the shoulder, can make someone feel appreciated and loved.

6. Discover Your Love Language

Before understanding what love language resonates with others, it’s essential to figure out your own. Finding your love language starts with examining your personality and identifying what makes you feel truly loved.

Think about moments in your life when you felt deeply cared for—was it when your mom gave you a warm hug, when your partner told you, “I care about you,” when your uncle surprised you with gifts, or when a friend dedicated their time to hang out with you?

Pay attention to which of these experiences touched your heart the most. You may have different love languages for other relationships in your life. The key is communicating with your loved ones about what makes you feel loved. Make sure to express your appreciation for those moments when they show you love in a way that resonates with you.

7. Expressing Love Through Love Languages

Understanding your love language is just the beginning. Learning the love languages of the people you care about is also important. By discovering how they prefer to receive love, you can express your feelings in a way that resonates with them. Regularly showing love helps strengthen your relationships and creates deeper connections.

These love languages are a universal way to communicate with those who matter to us. When we consistently share our love, we foster meaningful relationships that can lead to a more fulfilling life. Embrace this practice, and watch your bonds grow stronger!

 

8. Learn to Be Selfless When Expressing Love Languages

Now that we’ve explored the five Love Languages—words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch—it’s essential to apply them in our daily lives. A crucial point to keep in mind is the importance of being selfless when expressing these love languages.

Being selfless means putting the needs and feelings of others before our own, which is vital in building strong, meaningful connections. To truly understand and express love, we need to take the time to learn about our own love language and the love languages of those we care about. This understanding helps us communicate our affection in a way that resonates with them.

For example, if someone values words of affirmation, taking a moment to compliment them or express gratitude can mean the world. Alternatively, if someone’s love language is quality time, spending meaningful moments together can strengthen your bond.

Selflessness isn’t just about the actions we take; it’s also about our intentions. When we show love through acts of service or physical affection, we should do it with the desire to uplift the other person, not just to fulfill our own needs. Whether it’s appreciating someone verbally, sharing a heartfelt gift, or offering a caring hug, it’s vital to approach these expressions with genuine thoughtfulness.

Understanding and practicing the Love Languages with a selfless mindset can transform our relationships. By consistently expressing love and affection, we deepen our connections and create a more supportive, caring environment for those around us. Let’s commit to being selfless in our expressions of love, trying to connect and uplift our loved ones daily.